Only and Nothing

For him, I always start the conversation.

Two years ago, in 2023.

“Hey."

“Hey baby."

“How are you?"

“Good." Pause. “You?"

“A bit tired." I just took a shower. “What are you doing?"

“Nothing." Pause. “Lying in bed all day."

“Okay." My eyes search in the dim light for something new. “Do you have a nickname?"

“Nothing."

“Nothing?"

“Yeah."

“Why haha?"

“I don’t know haha. All of my friends call me Nothing."

“Okay."

Why would anyone call him Nothing?

“Miss me?"

Be honest.

“Yeah."

The air conditioner rumbled outside, inhaling the muggy August air earnestly. Its counterpart breathed life into my room controlled and chilled. There’s this remote yet lasting life that reminded me of pine trees, ice cream, and white bedsheets. The life that officially began with our first encounter.

“You know," I throw my legs onto my armchair. “I was going to call you Only."

“Really?"

“Yeah." I sink into the cushion. “Since you’re my first and only……"

“Really?"

Be honest.

“Yes."

“How about I call you my Only?"

“Really?" I blush. “But I’m not your only……"

“You will be."

“Okay."

The heat makes me sleepy.

“You want that?"

Do I want it?

“Yes."

February, 2024

I suddenly realize these days, probably under reasons of a wide range of scales scattered around the world and in the universe of my mind, that before we become each other’s “Only," happens literally nothing to our potential relationship. It’s kind of a miracle, therefore, that our chat continues for almost three years.

I first had this thought in February last year. Before my desk, I was finishing the drawing of a man who stood in front of a Chinese temple next to a stream. The water was beautiful as if made of jade. But nothing shone more brightly than the man. His light-brown hair turned into a golden crown under the clear blue sky. His face looked more beautiful than the maids who had once lived inside the Forbidden City, with tints of rogue on it, of the color of Rhododendron. When I drew, I felt like I was touching him again with my hand. But of course, there’s nothing.

O: Only; N: Nothing

O: Happy birthday handsome.

N: Thank you baby.

O: Any plans for your birthday?

N: Not really. Usually I don’t celebrate.

O: May I give you a gift?

N: What gift?

O: You like paintings?

N: Yeah kind of. (Pause) How are you sending paintings to me?

(I took a picture of my drawing and showed him.)

O: You like it?

N: Yes. (A row of hearts) Thank you baby.

O: I think I draw your face a little too long.

N: Yeah. The propotion is a bit weird. But I like it.

O: Okay.

N: I want to see you again.

O: When?

N: I’m going to China next month.

O: Really?

N: Yeah.

O: For how long?

N: Hopefully for as long as possible this time.

O: Oh okay.

N: I think I will go to Taiwan.

O: (What?) Really?

N: For one night I think. I will first go to Turkey. Then from Turkey to Taipei. Then to China. I will have a one-night layover in Taipei.

O: Oh. (Pause) Why Taipei haha?

N: The flights are cheaper.

O: Oh. (Pause) I guess we can’t meet then.

N: Next time baby.

Since he moved from his home country to China, we’ve been texting more frequently than ever. Yes, he has always wanted to move there. He has walked on The Great Wall and took pictures of himself before Beijing old temples. He rarely takes photoes of himself or sends them to someone. His profile picture is blank, according to him. From this perspective, he’s nobody on social media.

O: Why do you like China so much?

N: I like crowded cities. Busy streets and markets. Life is convenient there. People work harder. (He added)Of course it depends on what you do.

O: Oh okay.

N: And I like Asians.(A blink and a kiss)

O: Haha okay.

(Pause)

O: You know, I hope we can meet again in the future.

N: Me too baby. (He added) Come here.

O: Haha maybe. Might not be safe for me though.

N: Why?

O: For political reasons.

N: Oh.

Sometimes I wonder, under what circumstances would we meet again. We agree to not have an online relationship, and it’s better for us to meet in person. It’s hard for me, personally and politically, to go to China. There’s of course the choice for him to come to Taiwan, but why should him? If he wanted to, he would’ve come here already. If he stayed at where we first met, things would’ve been much easier. What happened in the grey zone stayed in the grey zone. But when we were destined to face each other on the opposite shore divided by the Taiwan Straight, our chances to meet and progress in our relationships were also limited to almost none.

Our conversations go in circlres, deep in screen-depth dimensions, might be longer than the website pages that describes the tension between China and Taiwan that has been lasting for almost eighty years. I often question myself with stupid questions, and mix them together in senseless but satisfying ways:

O: Do I really miss him? Or I’m actually missing the pines trees? The ice cream? Or the bedsheets? Maybe what happens in the past will eventually stay in the past.

O: Is it the only way for Taiwanese to resist the CCP regime, when threats are imposed upon us? Maybe the status quo has an end anyway. It should not have even existed. So does our relationship, if it can and will ever be called one.

I accidently showcased him my hopelessness after spending too much time wrestling mentally, at a time when people in Taiwan started to take further actions against the ongoing digital war and infiltration by its enemy.

N: So you want to stop talking?

O: No. I like talking with you. It’s just that it confuses me that we don’t have any kind of plans, regarding our situation.

N: We’ll see baby.

May 20th, 2025

It happened all in one day. No, it was not about the military drill on the anniversary of our new president taking office. Neither was it about a car accident that sparked many conspiracy theories. I’m talking about my phone and its battery.

The phone screen shutted down suddenly, and would never light up again. So did the battery. My first thought was about, with a big surprise, Nothing. If I lost all my data in store, how could I ever be able to contact him again? My heart beated like a water pump in a field of winter garlic as I ran in the city streets for a phone shop. A thread, the only thread that had ever proved our past, might break up with a snap and be forgotten forever.

I lost all of our previous conversations in the end, but not his contact. I chose to start a new one, and might try to prolong it as long as I can and make more-than-one backup:

“Hey."

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